Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
