i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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