all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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