i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
