I wannas sexs uuuuu
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
