Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
