I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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