I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
