Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
