Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
