i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
