Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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