I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
