When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
