Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Let's paint friendship bongs
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
