He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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