see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
