i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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