I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
