Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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