So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
