I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
