My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
