I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
