i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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