Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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