Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
