OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
