Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
