My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's blow job season.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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