he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
