If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
