it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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