Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
