My first STD was from a foam party
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
