I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
dude. I can hear the air.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
