My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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