When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My liver is preforming stress tests.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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