That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
