i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
