The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
