why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
