Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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