like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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