There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
