i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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