I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
