Your tits are I can't wait for
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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