Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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