apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
