I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Small penises have feelings too.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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